By Conrad Taylor MNCPS Acc
This article largely draws on the work of two outstanding contributors to the field of compassion. Professor Paul Gilbert has devoted many years of his life into researching, promoting and developing strategies around self-compassion. He is the pioneer that led to the development of ‘Compassion Focused Therapy’, well utilised by counsellors and the psychotherapists, particularly working with people who are struggling with anxiety, depression and/or stress. Similarly, Dr Kristin Neff is acclaimed for her ground-breaking work around compassion and she works tirelessly in helping people understand the healthy benefits of adopting a more compassionate lifestyle.
According to Gilbert in his book The Compassionate Mind (2009), modern society is largely built around ‘competitive edge’ and ‘efficiency’. From an early age, we are encouraged to drive for more and more success, pursue goals which are sometimes unreachable, be better than our contemporaries, pass exams with flying colours, excel at University, get the most well-paid job we can and go on extravagant holidays to name a few of society’s expectations. There is a constant striving for material worth and this continues into adulthood, where we need a luxurious house, the best car we can afford and other status driven possessions. We are constantly on the go. Our on-buttons are permanently switched on. Many of us are wired up to succeed at any cost. Gilbert (2009) considers this approach to living through two emotional systems and life tasks that have been essential for the evolutionary development of human beings:
Firstly, the ‘Incentive/Resource seeking’ system. This is the part of us that is motivational and desire led. It is what gets us up in the morning to do things. Self-starting, get things done, completer-finisher and task oriented. This system has been an integral part of our evolution because it means that we are always striving for improvement, acquiring resources necessary to survive and to improve our standard of living. For our hunter gatherer ancestors, this system was about finding food, sexual partners and shelter to sustain the community/tribe. By comparison, the ‘Incentive/Resource seeking’ system in modern life is more about achievement, success and the financial reward that comes with this. We are more focused on our own needs, as opposed the society at large. Surpassing work targets, getting a job so the bills can be paid, meeting the perfect partner and getting the best out of life.
Secondly, there is the ‘Threat/Harm Avoidance’ system. This is the part that keeps us safe and is necessary for our survival. It ensures we remain on the look-out for threats. It stimulates the fight, flight or freeze survival behaviours. For our hunter-gatherer ancestors, this was, for example, about ensuring we weren’t eaten by predators or overcome by competitive tribes. In modern life, the ‘Threat’ system is initiated by both real and perceived threats. So, for example, it keeps us safe when we are crossing a busy road but it can also be stimulated if we are about to miss a work deadline; a threat that can be similarly perceived as ‘life or death’.
Both the ‘Incentive/Resource seeking’ and ‘Threat/Harm Avoidance’ systems have been essential for human evolution. In recent times, they have led to some of the greatest technological and medical breakthroughs the world has ever known. Killer diseases have been overcome. Global travel has been made possible. World beating communication links have been established. Better standards of living has been achieved for many. More people are living longer. Taking all of this into account, we should be more happier and living contented lives. But the problem is, we aren’t. Some argue that we are a lot less happier than previous generations. And we are facing a mental health crisis. Depression, anxiety and general dissatisfaction are at an all time high. Why is this?
According to Gilbert’s Compassion Focused Therapy, it is partly down to a third emotional system that many people struggle to access. This is the ‘Self-Soothing’ system. (also known as the ‘Rest and Digest’ life task). The one that brings about a sense of inner calm and social connection. It is where compassion for self and for others resides. Where the ‘on button’ can be temporarily turned off. The ‘Self-Soothing’ system restores our vitality and wellbeing.
The issue is that a society focused on competitive edge and efficiency does not leave much room for compassion or self-soothing. We are constantly wired for action, beating the competition, getting things done, achieving goals and seeking recognition for our efforts, that we struggle to just relax. As a result, we spent most of our life worrying about things we haven’t done or things we need to do or things that we perceive we have done badly. We miss out what is in front of us. We can’t handle boredom or mundanity. Just observe human behaviour in restaurants, on the train or in a queue. You will notice that people are often staring at their phones rather than engaging in what is around them. We have inadvertently set up a society that is prone to mental health conditions because we have we have lost the ability to disconnect from our busy lives. Life was never meant to be so complicated and so fast paced. We can’t switch off. The technology that was supposed to bring about more leisure time and less drama has had the opposite effect. Activating the ‘Self Soothing’ system is hard.
I believe that a key way of tackling many of today’s mental health challenges is to promote a more compassionate society over one that is purely driven by competition, winners/losers, drive and threat/fear.
Kristin Neff (2021) suggests that there are three ways we can each contribute to a more compassionate world. The first step starts with ourselves. Celebrating our failures and inadequacies. Being kinder and more forgiving. Challenging the negative intrusive thoughts and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. It’s ok to take some time out before you burn out. Listen to our bodies and minds when they say slow down. Take the foot off the accelerator and appreciate the ups and downs of life. Put an end to the self-judgement. Be content and enjoy where you are now. This does not mean stop trying or living purposefully. It just means allowing yourself to activate the self-soothing systems alongside the drive and threat systems. All three systems are important and need a balanced interconnection with each other in order to facilitate a more healthier way of living.
Neff describes the second step as ‘recognising common human experience’. So, whereas the first step is about self-compassion, the second step is about showing compassion for all other living organisms. Seeing that everyone has their own problems they are trying to deal with, which might mean they aren’t being the best version of themselves. Treating everyone with kindness, humility, respect and empathy. Looking for other versions of reality as opposed to just your own. Going out of your way to help the more vulnerable members of society. More giving and less taking.
The third step is about trying to live with a more present moment mindset. Stop living between past perceived mistakes and future expectations, and see what is going on around you. Use all of your senses – your sense of touch, smell, sight, hearing and taste to get the most out of every experience. A sort of awakening and opening up to what is happening right now, in the present moment as it is the only one that truly exists..
In summary, I am not saying that compassion is the answer to all of the problems in society. I know that we need the resource seeking and threat systems to be fully functioning. Nevertheless, I am saying that bringing more compassion into the world will help to relieve some of the mental health challenges we are facing. Allow a more equal and socially just environment. Being a more compassionate aware person helps to produce oxytocin and dopamine, both of which are hormones to reduce stress and cultivate happiness. We saw a glimpse of a more compassionate society during COVID times and lots of people referred to this as the ‘new normal’. Sadly, it seems we have reverted back to our old competitive driven ways. Compassion is a gift you can give to yourself and others around you that is on the one hand free, but also priceless.
Neff (2021) concludes that by fostering more compassion, you will strengthen your emotional resilience, build more self-worth and benefit from personal growth. If you would like to learn more about compassion and how you can harness it in your daily life, I would encourage you to look at Kristin Neff’s website (www.self-compassion.org) and the two books referenced below. You can also talk to a counsellor or therapist about where you are with the three systems and how you can restore homeostatic balance to your life.
References:
Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind – a new approach to life challenges. 1st ed. London: Constable and Robinson Limited.
Neff, K. (2021). Self-compassion – the proven power of being kind to yourself. 2nd ed. Great Britain: Yellow Kite Books.